Learning to live

I firmly believe that when you have an Eating Disorder, you're not truly living. A friend told me this a few months back, and while it hurt SO much to hear, its true. Every thought, action, decision I made was based on being perfect and skinny. I would go out with friends to appear social, not because I actually enjoyed my time with them. I made friends with athletic people so I could exercise with them. I always ate lunch at home instead of with friends so I could eat my own 'healthy' food. When I first stopped using symptoms, (almost 5 months ago!!) I found that it was hard for me to create balance in my life, to find a happy medium. I would either drink a TON of coffee or none at all. I would stay up until 2 am or go to bed at 9 pm. I would spend all day out with friends or spend the whole day in the house. I was just testing the territory. I was new to LIVING.

At first it was really tough. I felt like I had to catch up. I had no idea who I was or what I wanted my life to look like. That's scary. But I also saw it as an amazing opportunity. Since my ED had stripped away my identity, I was free to create within myself exactly who I wanted to be. I was able to discover sides or myself I never knew and relish in them.

My recovery is still very fresh and I know that I have to ALWAYS be aware. By no means do I think I'm done getting to know myself. I don't think anyone ever is. Its a life-long journey. My recovery has given me the gift of being aware of that journey and really, truly, finding out who I am. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.