Wednesday, July 15, 2009


Recently I've just been, well, tired. First of all, I haven't been sleeping very well, and it seems that I'm waking up in the morning exhausted but just can't go back to sleep. But I also think that boredom, lack of structure, and my feeling that I'm just waiting to go to school are contributing to this.

I feel like I'm really in limbo- I'm not at college yet so I can't start making friends there, but I feel like putting effort in to new relationships here is sort of pointless. So, instead, I've just been maintaining my close relationships at home which, thanks to my ex-best-friend, ED, are few in number. I just wish I could find a better balance between preparing/getting excited for college and enjoying my summer and the awesome opportunity for unstructured relaxation that I have. Plus, often the most fun experiences happen when you least expect it.

When I came home from treatment in March I felt like I would have nothing to do. None of my close friends were home and I thought I would just be going to work and then sitting at home all day. Well, some sort of higher scheming occurred (I don't really believe in God, although I have many friends with different beliefs systems, all of which I respect immensely) and I found an amazingly close friend in an 'acquaintance' from High School. Lucky? Yes. But it also worked out because I gave it a chance. Because I put myself out there despite my fear of being rejected. Because I didn't go into the friendship with a 'goal' in mind... all I wanted to do was enjoy myself, and I ended up with an awesome support.

I'm trying to treat the last month of my summer with the same attitude: I don't need to get anything out of it, I just want to enjoy it. So, I guess I better be off so I can start doing that!

Love x

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