Sometimes, I have a really hard time telling the difference between listening to my "healthy living" voice and my "binging" voice. Today was one of those days. I ate an optional snack when I wasn't hungry at all, just bored. And I felt like I had 'given in' to my binging voice and had taken a step back in recovery.
I have a hard time with emotional eating or, more frequently, boredom eating. It always seems fine at the time: my boredom eating doesn't get in the way of my life, it doesn't make me physically uncomfortable, so it seems fine. But it makes me EMOTIONALLY uncomfortable. It makes me feel incredibly guilty for eating when my body doesn't need it. The voices in my head tell me that "excess calories WILL make you gain weight" and "if you aren't hungry, then whatever you eat IS excess calories". And its hard to shut those voices up.
So, while my "healthy eating" voice tells me that if I can stop the guilty feelings by stopping my boredom eating, my "healthy living" voice tells me that sometimes I'm going to want to eat when I'm not hungry. On birthdays, celebrations, or even just when I pass an amazing-smelling bakery. I don't want to live my life afraid of indulging, afraid of being just a little gluttonous once in a while.
So I guess today wasn't a bad day after all. I ignored ED today and got one step closer to getting over my fears.
sorry if this is a jumble, its late and my thoughts are all over.